Today was all gray and contemplating a thunderstorm until late afternoon when the rain started falling. I love days like this one and for reasons I've yet to be able to explain, thunderstorms and dark clouds put me in the mood for long conversations in which cause me to contemplate things also.
Of course the day would not have been complete with one of these type conversations which was perfect because a friend and I had a coffee date which was incredibly encouraging and left me thinking. We were talking about life in the context of time and how it shapes dreams and the way we imagine the future and ourselves in it.
I think I just realized something a little bit ironic.
I had a conversation so very similar a few years ago with my dad. I had just graduated high school and was free. I mean really free. It was one of those few times in life where the future truly feels like blank canvas in a way that's both liberating and terrifying. I remember feeling to guilty that my heart wasn't willing to do anything or go anywhere. Like I only wanted it my life to be painted with certain colors in a certain way. I wanted to live in the US and drive a cute car and have nice style and felt like there was something really flawed about all of it but didn't know how to make those feelings change.
They eventually have now that life is quite different. There are wonderful differences definitely - ones that connect me and give purpose to my dreaming. I love this spot in the journey and as challenging as it's been, I think I've finally come to embrace now. The now in which I'm two years away from getting my degree, figuring out how to change, and learning how to love another person more than myself.
The odd thing to me is now that all this has come, my heart feels more available. Now that I'm tied here, I don't feel that I need it all like I did two years ago. I don't have to live in the US for the rest of my life and drive my car wearing the wardrobe I've accumulated. I don't think it has anything to do with the shade of the grass either. I think I know:
The more I embrace this day and moment the less attached I become to yesterday and more available I am for tomorrow - whatever color it may be. My heart is wanting more than anything to be set on fire by The One so my life will burn in all the brilliant colors of his grace.
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