one hundred

Happy holiday to all you folk on the academic schedule! I’ve big time dropped the ball with blogging since my 1st graders showed up in August. In fact, the only reason I revisited today was in procrastination of working on lesson plans over the holiday. Anyway, it made me realize how much I miss it and all the reason I began this little blog in the first place. (I warn you in advance... this post is going to be far less cosmetic in nature than my standard. I give you full permission to skip straight to the last paragraph.)


When we bought our house back in the spring, I picked up blogging again to document our house projects (which are endless), yet now that the projects have somewhat slowed, I’m realizing that I wanted this little spot for much more than that. I want it to be a scrapbook of sorts for our family. I want to be forced to stop in the middle of what I’m doing and take pictures. I want to have something to remind me of what I care about most and the things I love to do when I get to choose. And I don’t really get to choose that often these days, which is easy to blame on a job or circumstances or phase of life, but what I realized this morning as I was looking through all my past postings, is that it’s my fault because this has been my choice.


My tendency is to give one hundred percent of myself... to one thing at a time. In high school, it was my group of friends, in college it was academics, when J and I were engaged it was planning a wedding, and now it is my job. In each of those times, giving all that effort resulted in success of some form, but it came at the expense of something else most often. And the problem with all that effort in one direction for me, is that it comes with expectations, which is a set up for disappointment. While in the meantime, whatever I’m not giving all of my myself to, is getting left behind. Usually the things that are more difficult to measure and with no immediate consequence, like taking the time to deepen my relationships with friends, and building my family and our traditions and memories. What I’m saying is that I tend to trade the long-term for the immediate, the immeasurable for that which is easily measures, (most recently) the invaluable for a paycheck. In essence, my greatest struggle is balance. I would rather invest everything in ONE thing, so that even if others don’t work out, I can point to that one tangible and say “this is something I’ve been successful at.” It’s a constant fight within my nature and it’s rooted in a fear of being mediocre - of doing it all, and nothing well - of pouring into something with no measurable gain. However, it’s those intangibles that motivate and inspire me, that fill up my heart and convince me that there is more.


Balance in my new goal. And this blog is part of it. Not because there is anything magical about posting, but it keeps be accountable to what I’m doing in a given week. Am I spending time doing the things I love with the people I love, filling up my soul? Or am I pouring all my efforts into something that was never meant to be fulfilling by itself? Do you remember that line in Miracle on 34th Street when Fred tells Dorris not to overlook those "lovely intangibles.... You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile.” You could just call it my new mantra =)